I’ve had a few deaths in the kitchen lately, which, as a vegetarian, really takes a lot of work.

First the toaster became an overachiever. It would toast, but it wouldn’t stop toasting. And, as it turns out, that step is just as important. Toasting required a vigilant guard who would rip the cord from the wall when the desired level of browning was achieved. (Fun Fact: You can make Slice of Toast just like I taught you to make Nacho. You can even combine the two techniques to make Slice of Cheese Toast. True story.)

Being the cheapest man alive, I was fine with this toast-guarding situation for quite a while. But then the coffee maker shot itself in the face. It’s a grind-and-brew model, and the grinder no longer pushed its contents into the basket to brew. Again, I stood guard, opening the coffeemaker every morning and transferring the coffee grounds for it. This went on for two weeks. Then, this week, I awoke to find a coffee explosion in the kitchen. I think the carafe pissed off the rest of the coffeemaker, as its intended contents now just spill freely onto the floor and cabinets. The white floor and cabinets. But I find showing up to the office sleepy and covered in brown liquid lends a sense of professionalism and mystique.

Pea and Paneer Curry

Then, to complete this vicious cycle, I have been making dishes that are absolutely delicious but, well, not photogenic. First, a pea and paneer career. It tasted like heaven. But no photos could do it justice. While I admit I could not grab a good photo, if you judge Indian food by its appearance … well, good — there’s more for me that way.

Smoky Kale Chips

Then we made Smoky Kale Chips. Absolutely delicious. But it looks like we baked leaves and ate them.

I’ll make you something pretty soon. After I bury my appliances.

By the way, thanks for the wonderful comfort food confessions. Cheez-Its with apple sauce. Hash browns. Whiskey. You people get me. Did you not share yours? Do it.